Just pouring out my frustration...

When you feel like everything is going according to plan, life throws you away in such a way that you feel like the decisions you have taken long time back was a mistake. I should have join there, I should have done better research of future scope before going for it and all kinds of thought runs days and nights.

Sometimes you don't want to wake up not because you haven't finished your sleep but because the reality hurts more than one can bear.

When you see you classmates and juniors doing better with their life, you are  here not able to do anything, you have a degree but what's it's value in real life. People judge you by the job you get, if you have no job, you doesnt matter. That's what I feels everytime I go through every painfull day.

Life definitely loves to take lots of tests, preliminary exams and when you reach to the end exam, it kicks you so hard, standing up back seems pointless and meaningless... I am not sure how many of  you went through this and got out but I am just into it and it feels like hell out here, this last 1 years felt like decade.

I reappeared my exam but all in vain, some mistakes happened and i end up losing some marks i guess.

Most of my friend are shock to hear the result, I on the other side felt like my world just collapse and I am being burried under the gravels of my beautifully imagined world.

I didn't ask for, to be a billionaire, nor a first prise in lottery, not even a single penny. All I wanted was; the fruit of my hard work for last 17 years I have used to study hard and reach to this level.

I studied when my friends where busy going for outing, I stayed late night studying when my friend where having dreams.  I worked extra hard for I knew I wasn't born with intelligent they all possessed.

I did all my best and what do I end up with, a degree certificate which has no value unless you get a job. Society who once appreciated for getting a degree now talking bad things behind you.

Those sociaty who always gave you appreciation talk, end up asking why are you wasting your time by not applying for jobs. They have no idea how many times before I went to bed, I have shed tears because there was no vacancy announcement today. With hope there will be tomorrow I sleep and it destroys me when ever vacancies are announced  due to following reasons;

First vacancy is for in-service, who already have a job offered jobs, raining where there is plenty of water.

Second they want experienced candidate when we are not given opportunity from where will we get experience.

Thirdly, they give more importance to viva, some of us are born with shyness and fear of talking openly to some officers. That doesn't mean that we can't do the work, I wonder if communications skills that important than knowledge skills... Maybe they can fix a broken machine or corrupted file with their influencing speech...

This is the end of 1 year I am going through that pain of not knowing what to do, how to do, where to ask for help.

I know everyone will say, "be an entrepreneur, you are an engineer you will get the job just wait, try in private, cooperation. Try outside the country, try with small jobs now and you will get the experience," I know they are telling all this because they care and genuinely wants to help. But sometimes its good to let that person be at peace.

I really appreciate their concern and I want to tell them that it's not that I am not trying... It's just that sometimes rejection from so many companies and jobs puts a barrier into ones thinking capability and destroys your hope.

Have you ever wonder why someone who was so much fun loving suddenly becomes angry man, short tempered, harsh speaking. It's not that they have changed, it's just that world has molded them into something they once fear they would become.

I am not sure what future holds for me,
I am not sure how I am going to face the critism of sociaty,
I am not sure how I can manage to smile my way out of this,
I am not sure will I ever get out of it,
I am not sure for how long my pillows can hide my tears from the world,
I am not sure how long can I keep up with this fake smile and fake acting.
I am not sure how long can I keep this little hope of seeing a bright future.
I am not sure how long will my diary keep up with my emotions brust I scribbled onto it.
I am not sure when will my collapse world be rebuilt.
I am not sure how long can I bear the pain my parents are going through.
I am not sure how I have to bear the pain of knowing my parents are feeling sad although they always encourage me...
I am not sure for how long my mom and dads encouraging will keep me fighting.

All I know is that if you aren't born with luck, no matter how hard you try, you will always fail to conqure your goal or may be the goal I have set for myslef is too high to achieve.

As long as I am here, I will never give up but I would appreciate if sociaty doesn't add to the problm I am already weighing down with. FUNNY how sociaty judges you although you turn deaf ears to them, they always finds a small defect in my method to hurt me...

# This piece isn't meant to hurt anyone la, I am sorry If it offends anyone la.. I always felt good after sharing my thought in my diary and this days since I am trying blogging, I am sharing here...# 

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