What I was going through and what you all thought about it

# It's merely for fun reading#

I wore torn jeans for I couldn't afford new ones and yet you all thought I was being a fashion freak.

I ate less because I couldn't afford more to eat yet you all thought I was dieting.

I cried over small emotions for it was enough to initiate the pain I was going through and over flowed my bearing capacity yet you all thought I was emotional.

I swimmed every time in the river for I couldn't afford to have a warm water to take bath yet you all thought I was fond of swimming.

I sang my horrible voice out everytime I felt bore for I couldn't afford to buy a music player to listen to music and yet you all though I loved singing.

I went to school very early on foot for I couldn't afford to go on a taxi and yet you all thought I was money minded.

I worked every vacation to earn some money for my family was too poor to buy me new books and clothing for school yet you all thought I was busy and had no time for roaming with you all.

I didn't join over any school or class picnic for I couldn't ask money from parent to pay for it yet you all thought I was being antisocial.

I don't talk much with you all for i am scared I might fall for all the happiness you all possessed yet you all thought I was being damnless.

I felt bad when I lost my pen for buying new was out of option for me yet you all thought I was crying for such a  silly reason.

I skipped lunch and started doing my homework during every lunch time to stop myself from getting hungry   because I didn't have a container to bring my lunch and yet you all thought I was very hardworking and didn't have time to spare for food also.

I didn't joined school games club not because I wasn't good at any game but because I couldn't afford to buy the dress and shoes needed for it and yet you all though I was a book worm for I joined literacy club.

I wrote this piece for I was utilising my idle mind into something productive and yet you all thought I went through this.

Better to write some thing than keep thinking about useless stuff over and over in our idle mind... Happy reading...

Flashback

                                                 
As I am sitting next to Bukhari sipping down my hot suja, a sweet memory just plays itself into my saturated frozen brain due to Haa cold weather;

“Every time I would gaze from my window just to catch a glimpse of her. I wonder if she has any idea how much she means to me, I wonder if she will ever know how I feels about her deep inside my heart and soul. I am not sure how much of love can I hide inside myself, sometimes it feels as if I will explode trying to hide all those beautiful moments I have about her although all those moments are just about her and what she has been doing.

I still remember how I met her for the first time near the Kharpandi Goenpa, I have met many girls in my life but I have never seen someone who is so much into helping others. I still remember you helping that old lady to walk towards the Goenpa. I was there few steps behind you just admiring how carefully and slowly you were helping that old lady. She is in her early 80’s for I have talked with her ever since I joined CST and went to Goenpa  for evening walk, I saw your friends leaving you behind all alone with that old lady.

She just kept on helping that old lady, she took her to that small shop near the Goenpa and made the old lady to sit on the chair. I have seen that old lady couple of times near the Goenpa all alone and never saw anyone helping her once also. I saw that the old lady was happy to be with her for she was so keen on helping that old lady. The last time I saw a smile on her face was when I offered her a cup of tea with hot momo for it was raining that day at the Goenpa. 

Well this time I see that old lady is happier than before when I was helping her, the way she was looking at the old lady drinking that tea really makes me wonder what is running in her mind. I am just amazed how she can smile and keep on helping that old lady although she is just a stranger whom she met by chance near the Kharpandi Goenpa gate. I was there looking at her when she left the old lady at her regular sitting place in front of the Goenpa.

She just smiled at the old lady for last time and went away towards her friends who were all busy taking selfies at the Goenpa.  I just went towards that old lady and as usual I gave her a smile and chatted with her for a while before my friends reached Goenpa from the hostel.

I have met that girl only once but I never thought she will keep an impression on me, even while returning back to my hostel, the way she was helping that old lady kept on playing on my mind. I knew she was one of the students here but I had no idea which field and which year she was.

Since I am first year, I wasn’t at all sure how to find out about her but I know that the only chance I have of meeting her is at Goenpa. I was excited by the thought of meeting her again tomorrow. All I remember is her heart melting smile and her helping nature.

As I head back to my hostel through the shortcut above the Goenpa, I notice a glimpse of her. I carefully act as if I left something at Goenpa and lets my friend to go on their own.

As I lay there near the wall, I can see clearly how much she is happy feeding those newly born puppies. The way she is touching them and padding them one by one, I have noticed those puppies but never dared to go near them for I didn’t want to be attacked by its mother. 

I must say she is brave enough to go there and touch the puppies near its mother. It seems she is a regular visitor for I don’t see any objection from the mother side.

As she pulls out a packet of biscuits and starts to feed them, I get this pinch in my heart. A strange feeling engulfs me, each ticking second sound of my wrist watch was so loud to my dear ears. My eyes wanted to capture her whole image but my brain knew that I was acting like a desperate baby. I somehow convinced myself to let go of this feeling this time and hurry back to hostel.

I am not sure why God favored me because I had no idea I could see her early in the morning, I was just opening my curtain and then there she was with her friend going for breakfast, I could hardly believe myself. A rush of hormone kicked in and within 5 minutes I too was on my way to dining hall from my hostel. There I saw her at the right corner of the dining hall eating her breakfast, since it was early around 7:10 Am, the number of students dining were very less. I sat at the left corner most just to get the perfect view of her.

Since then I have always been looking from my window to see if she is going for breakfast or not, so that I could just get another chance to see her again.”

It gets too hot to sit near Bukhari so I move backward trying to ease myself thereby disrupting the flashback going on in my brain. I surely was into her those days ha ha…

Coming back to the reality, I must say those days were the best days of my life. Love, happiness, crush, admire filled my soul those days. How I wish those moments could be rewind and relive...

Hope it was fun to read… Please bear if any mistakes... Thank you...

Kharpandi Goenpa (Sorry I only know by this name)
Situated over a small hill with spectacular view point.
Just below College of Science and Technology (CST)

LOVE

It's when you miss her at your busiest hour that you love her not at 1 or 2 am when you are alone...

It's when no matter how angry you are, you always have an ear to listen to her no matter how silly talk it is.

It's when suddenly you miss her for no concrete reasons, looking back at your phone just seeing her name on the contact list gives you a smile, that's love.

It's when you think about her happiness more than your own.

It's when you are scared to lose her although you haven't done anything wrong.

It's when you handover your salary to your wife so that she can manage the house running budget.

It's when little change in her behaviour hurts you alot.

It's when even without being in contact for few days or week won't create any ackwardness when next time you chat with her.

It's when no matter shy guys you are, you always gets a chance to show your true self.

It's when you get the urge to live your life with her not that you can't live without her.

It's when you feel save in her presence.

It's when you feel like irritating her for every little things.

It's when you treat her more like a lady than some mere puppet to have a pleasurable time.

It's when you discuss things with her before doing it.

It's when you feel the important of her opinion on the most important life matters.

It's when you get this intense pain when ever she ignores you.

It's when you place her in your life as a needed person that you love her.

If any more reason are there I am open to opinions la...

It's merely for fun reading... My opinions and what I feel... happy reading 😀😀😀

Just pouring out my frustration...

When you feel like everything is going according to plan, life throws you away in such a way that you feel like the decisions you have taken long time back was a mistake. I should have join there, I should have done better research of future scope before going for it and all kinds of thought runs days and nights.

Sometimes you don't want to wake up not because you haven't finished your sleep but because the reality hurts more than one can bear.

When you see you classmates and juniors doing better with their life, you are  here not able to do anything, you have a degree but what's it's value in real life. People judge you by the job you get, if you have no job, you doesnt matter. That's what I feels everytime I go through every painfull day.

Life definitely loves to take lots of tests, preliminary exams and when you reach to the end exam, it kicks you so hard, standing up back seems pointless and meaningless... I am not sure how many of  you went through this and got out but I am just into it and it feels like hell out here, this last 1 years felt like decade.

I reappeared my exam but all in vain, some mistakes happened and i end up losing some marks i guess.

Most of my friend are shock to hear the result, I on the other side felt like my world just collapse and I am being burried under the gravels of my beautifully imagined world.

I didn't ask for, to be a billionaire, nor a first prise in lottery, not even a single penny. All I wanted was; the fruit of my hard work for last 17 years I have used to study hard and reach to this level.

I studied when my friends where busy going for outing, I stayed late night studying when my friend where having dreams.  I worked extra hard for I knew I wasn't born with intelligent they all possessed.

I did all my best and what do I end up with, a degree certificate which has no value unless you get a job. Society who once appreciated for getting a degree now talking bad things behind you.

Those sociaty who always gave you appreciation talk, end up asking why are you wasting your time by not applying for jobs. They have no idea how many times before I went to bed, I have shed tears because there was no vacancy announcement today. With hope there will be tomorrow I sleep and it destroys me when ever vacancies are announced  due to following reasons;

First vacancy is for in-service, who already have a job offered jobs, raining where there is plenty of water.

Second they want experienced candidate when we are not given opportunity from where will we get experience.

Thirdly, they give more importance to viva, some of us are born with shyness and fear of talking openly to some officers. That doesn't mean that we can't do the work, I wonder if communications skills that important than knowledge skills... Maybe they can fix a broken machine or corrupted file with their influencing speech...

This is the end of 1 year I am going through that pain of not knowing what to do, how to do, where to ask for help.

I know everyone will say, "be an entrepreneur, you are an engineer you will get the job just wait, try in private, cooperation. Try outside the country, try with small jobs now and you will get the experience," I know they are telling all this because they care and genuinely wants to help. But sometimes its good to let that person be at peace.

I really appreciate their concern and I want to tell them that it's not that I am not trying... It's just that sometimes rejection from so many companies and jobs puts a barrier into ones thinking capability and destroys your hope.

Have you ever wonder why someone who was so much fun loving suddenly becomes angry man, short tempered, harsh speaking. It's not that they have changed, it's just that world has molded them into something they once fear they would become.

I am not sure what future holds for me,
I am not sure how I am going to face the critism of sociaty,
I am not sure how I can manage to smile my way out of this,
I am not sure will I ever get out of it,
I am not sure for how long my pillows can hide my tears from the world,
I am not sure how long can I keep up with this fake smile and fake acting.
I am not sure how long can I keep this little hope of seeing a bright future.
I am not sure how long will my diary keep up with my emotions brust I scribbled onto it.
I am not sure when will my collapse world be rebuilt.
I am not sure how long can I bear the pain my parents are going through.
I am not sure how I have to bear the pain of knowing my parents are feeling sad although they always encourage me...
I am not sure for how long my mom and dads encouraging will keep me fighting.

All I know is that if you aren't born with luck, no matter how hard you try, you will always fail to conqure your goal or may be the goal I have set for myslef is too high to achieve.

As long as I am here, I will never give up but I would appreciate if sociaty doesn't add to the problm I am already weighing down with. FUNNY how sociaty judges you although you turn deaf ears to them, they always finds a small defect in my method to hurt me...

# This piece isn't meant to hurt anyone la, I am sorry If it offends anyone la.. I always felt good after sharing my thought in my diary and this days since I am trying blogging, I am sharing here...# 

I promise you (Chapter 4... The final chapter)

Tshering pretends to cough just to make his presence known to Pema, she was still lost in her though why see always  ends up seeing that little boy.

"Hello, remember me. I am Tshering," he said softly. As she looks up to see who he was, she nearly shouts out of surprise, "Azai wai."

He just laughts and brings forth his hand in a gesture to handshake. Pema slowly corrects herself up with an apology.

"You haven't changed a bit,  same all hairstyle, still weird looking and lost in her own dreamy world," he says with a smile on his face.

For a moment she touches her hair and tries to remember her hairstyle at college time. She hardly remembers what types of hairstyle she used to keep those days.

"Really! You still remembers my old hairstyle? It seems someone was keeping eye on me." She says laughingly. As she moves her hand over to cover her mouth, she remembers about the chocolate she bought and hands them over to him.

"What's this?" He questions.

"Its for your little friend who always chases me around," she says with a smile.

"My little friend? Huh... sorry I didn't get you," Tshering said with a surprise tone.

She just looks at him and waits for him to change his statement but finds him totally confused by her statement. Then she continues " I mean the small boy whom you introduced once during college farewell picnic, wait... I have saved that photo in my phone from laptop."

As she shows him the picture, a silent tear falls from his eyes, he gets angry and shouts at her, "I never knew you would make fun of someone who is dead."

On hearing that Pema suddenly moves back and explains him that she has really seen that little boy 3 times already at Haa. She then begs him to tell her what actually happened and how did that little boy died.

Tshering looks at Pema and thinks for a moment before he says, " ok! Then listen. Do you remember after our last exam paper we were suppose to meet near the water tank." She nods and says, "yes I do."

He continues,"when I was waiting for you near the water tank, I received a call from my friend sonam. He called me urgently to come to hospital as his son wanted to see me."

"Ok and then,"she asks him with full attention.

"Well you see, he was suffering from brain tumor and although he was successfully operated, due to some unknown reason he still suffered from severe migraine. No one knew how long he would live and I have known him since I became his father's friend long time ago.

He was so fond of me and always called me as atta. I felt so happy to have a little brother and I would always take time to go and visit him everytime I get a chance. I even brought him at our farewell picnic as he wanted to experience college picnic.

Well when I reached at hospital, he was already shifted to ICU, I couldn't go and meet him so I waited outside the ICU for whole night. At around 3 am, he came to sense and was asking for me, I went inside with a smile I forged upon myself and acted as if nothing was wrong.

He was there still writing his diary, I wonder what he writes there.

He would share all his secrets with me and I told him that there is one last secret I didn't share with him. Although he was in pain he looked at me with a smile and told me, "Its about love right brother."

I was shocked and he kept on smiling and asked me to show him the picture of the person I love. So I took my phone out and showed him your picture. He was very happy and told me that he remembers meeting you at the picnic. He told me," I will call her mathang and brother I will help you get her love."

Although he was sick and he should be worried about himself but he was worried about my love life and wanted to help. I thought of calling you but my phone was out of battery. He wanted to meet you once more but I couldn't come to college to ask you for his condition kept detorating and I was scared that the few moment he have would be my last moment with him. He asked me to bring him a bottle of water and told me to take my own time as he opens his diary to scribble down some words.

When I came back with a bottle of water, I saw my friend crying loudly and his wife was there at the corner lifeless without any emotions, she was neither crying nor shouting. I knew something must have happened and when I rushed near his bed, he was still hugging my phone and he was lifeless. I didn't know what just happened, I couldn't even cry nor shout like his father. I lost the most loved person in my life, I lost my brother. I remembered his last word. "I will call her mathang and brother I will help you get her love."


 I had to stay at his house to help with the rituals. It took nearly a week to complete all the works and when I returned back to college to meet you, my friend told me that you left few hours ago with your parents.

In the process of helping my little brother's death rituals, I misplaced my phone and ended up losing all the contacts I had with you.

As he was still telling the story, Pema couldn't bear it and started crying, she begged him sorry and request him to share her his name.

He couldn't utter his name at first and then after few seconds Tshering said, "Sonam T Dorji, he was a very good boy and very intelligent and he didn't deserve to die so early, he had lots to see in this world. God wasn't fair... God wasn't fair.." He started crying with tears all over his face.

Pema just hugged him and said,"I am not lieing but I really saw him and everytime I saw him, I ended up meeting with you. Now I think I know the reason. He is full filling his promise to you. He said he would help you right, well he is really helping you to meet me."

As Tshering hears this, he just smiles at her with tears on his eyes and requests Pema to show him where he is right now. Pema hesitately points at a house and tells him that she saw him going there. To her astonishment, Tshering looked at her and then goes into that building. Pema also follows him, Tshering goes directly to house no 7 and knocks, Pema cautiously warns Tshering that she only saw that little boy going into the building, which floor, which room she had no idea.

As both of them waits for the door to unlock, a strange cool breeze flows through their body. Pema shivers while Tshering smiles and says, "I know brother, you are trying to make your presence known to us, its ok."

As an when he finishes saying that, the door unlocks and Tshering smiles at the woman who just opens the door, it's non other than the mother of Sonam T Dorji. She smiles back and looks at Pema and hugs hers.

Still unsure what just happened, Pema hesitates to say anything.  Tshering clears his throat and says,"I didn't know you two got transferred to Haa, where is your husband?" Someone just comes out of the kitchen, it's Tshering's friend Sonam.

Sonam also hugs Pema and smiles as he looks back on the picture of his son. "My son, you did it, your promise has been fullfilled," Sonam cries out of happiness.

Sonam continues,"... before you two ask me any question, I want both of you to refer this diary of my son, look at the last page."

When they both opens the last page of the diary, they gets the shock of their life. It reads, "I may leave this body but I promise I will bring my brother and mathang together no matter what, even if it means for me to come back from death, I will do it. Until they are together I won't give up."

Pema gets shiver all over her body, Tshering after hearing his lost brothers last words, fills with sadness and cries out aloud.

Pema and Tshering shares them all the incident that occurred till now and promise them that their son's last wish won't be in vain.

Keeping all the differences aside, Tshering once more proposes Pema, promising to love her even after death. Pema already went through the pain of losing him and she knew that he was the one for her.

As a token of love towards his brother, Tshering laminates his brothers last word and keeps it in his house. Pema prays every day to God to let her have Sonam T Dorji as her son so that she can repay her gratitude to him.

#I hope I did a fair justice to a story# Thank you...

I promise you (Chapter 3)

As Tshering receives the chit, Pema without saying any words walks directly towards the academic block. She neither looks back nor greets anyone she meets on the way. It is unusual for her to act so weird when she is mostly talkative among the cstians. Tshering reads the chit slowly to himself,

"Dear Tshering,

I am not sure how to say it but since it came to this situation, I have no other option but to tell you the truth.

We have known each other from highschool, ended up in same college and now we are nearly completing our course. I must say you have been one of the best person I ever met in my life, you always hold me when even I couldn't hold myself up.

I have been in countless relationships and it feels akward to see you fall for me, I ain't the right girl for you. I am sorry I can't accept your proposal, I know I will regret later about it  but for now lets  do our exam well.

I know it will be hard for you to accept this but sorry I can't accept it, I don't want to lose you. I have lost every person I ever loved.

If for some reason we break up then I will lose you like others. I don't want that to happen, I hope you would understand.

With love
Pema      "

His eyes gets filled with tears, still he tries to smile and neatly folds back the letter and puts it in his wallet.

That letter was like a big blow in his loving heart, he acted normal and hurried to the academic block as it was time for the first period. As he passes by her class, he glances into her class just to find that Pema was already looking at him. He just smiled and pretended as if nothing happened few minutes ago.

Pema could tell that he was hurt, she being the reason, she made up her mind to not meet him before the semester exam ends. Just a week to go for their final semester exam, they both anonymously thought of not seeing each other would be a good decision before the end semester examination.

As usual Pema went to library to study and Tshering went to lab to study. Finally exam ended with both of them not seeing each other for about 3 weeks now.

Since it was few precious last day at college, all the department organised their own way to bit farewell to the final years. Pema was busy with her own department gathering and Tshering too was engaged with the farewell gathering.

It was party all night, even the shyest person came out to live the last moment of college life with songs and dances. Both of them couldn't meet each other that night.

Next morning Tshering requested his friend Dema to call Pema and request her to come meet him near the water tank. As Tshering waits patiently, he receives a call from his friend urgently telling him to come to Phuentsholing hospital as his friend's son wants to see him before he dies.

Tshering was so much attached with his friend's son that he shed tears on the spot and ran towards the gate, he was completely blank to even notice that Pema just smiled at him and waved at him.

Pema was shocked to see that he rushed towards the gate with eyes full of tears and then stopped a taxi and went away. She couldnt believe what just happened. It was the last time she saw Tshering at college. She tried to call his cellphone but all in vain, his phone was switched off.

As she continues to think about what happened that day 7 years ago, she didnt even notice that she has reached her aunt's house.

She tried to lighten herself up, smiled and knocked the door.

As she awaits for the door to open, at the corner of her eyes she feels as if she saw a small boy running away behind the house. Her reflex were quick to response and before she could tell, she was following that image behind the house.

As she reaches at the back of the house, she finds nobody there. She still feels as if that boy is around and keeps on looking around the house. She didn't even notice that she was acting weird in front of her neighbours.

But out of blue, she knew that she would meet Tshering again as every time she met that little boy, she met Tshering.
She wasn't wrong, Tshering's apartment was just few blocks away from her aunt's house. He was on his way towards his apartment, as Pema sits there on a wooden log chair, Tshering sees her and comes directly towards her.